Fiction, Satire

3 Tips to Grow an Epic Garden

As someone who often pretends to be a master gardener, I frequently get asked about how to grow the perfect garden. So I thought it might be nice if I shared my best gardening tips and tricks so that you too can grow a garden that will blow away your friends and neighbors.

1. Don’t Use Fertilizer

I always tell people not to use fertilizer. Why? Because it’s a scam. Fertilizer was invented by the Illuminati to further their desire to control the world. They put harmful chemicals into fertilizer so that you will be easier to brain wash. You don’t want to be brain washed do you? The positive effect it will have on your plants is debatable as well. Some have even argued that it’s the plant equivalent of bathing in muriatic acid.

2. Water Your Plants

This may sound obvious, but watering is a vital part of gardening that is often skipped. Water your garden every day. If you frequently complain that you don’t have a “green thumb,”  it has nothing to do with your thumb. That is just an excuse we tell ourselves when we are absent minded and forget to water our plants. Stop being lazy and water your plants. Gardening isn’t that hard, quit pretending like you fail because you lack some sort of natural gardening ability. You’re not fooling anyone.

3. Your Plants Need Encouragement

Another important step to growing a great garden is to give your plants encouragement. Talking to them and giving them a positive message can help your plants grow big and strong. Plants need to understand that you care and talking to them is an excellent way to let them know that they have your support. Taking the time out of your day to have a conversation with your plants will help them to become more socialized and prepare them to be healthy and functioning plants as they grow.

If you follow these tips, you are sure to grow a fantastic garden! I wish you the best of luck with all of your gardening endeavors.

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